America's a hot mess that talks a big game but can never seem to really get their shit together. I need to set boundaries with America, or else they will suck me dry of any spirit or joy. An emotional vampire, toxic environment, straight-up infuriating devil I know. So, yeah, America – we have issues, and I don't want you to think that my eating BBQ, watching colorful explosives, and enjoying my federal holiday off of work is because we're friends.